Girls of Summer Page 2

  Besides, she was realizing that she had to change if she wanted to be the right wife for Erich. The more she saw of Erich’s mother, Celeste, the more Lisa believed that Erich had chosen Lisa because she was warm, honest, receptive, a hugger, a toucher. Erich’s mother was so very much not a toucher, not even with her son. Celeste was elegant, but cool, communicating her displeasure most often by simply lifting one cynical eyebrow.

  Yet Celeste was kind to Lisa, even generous in her way. After Lisa’s first huge Washington society party, Celeste asked if Lisa would mind if Celeste gave her a few pointers about, for example, appearance. She suggested that Lisa have her long, wavy hair cut into a neat chin-length bob, trim and tidy. She approved of the two expensive and simple dresses Lisa had bought for the numerous cocktail parties. Celeste suggested simple dark pumps with no more than a two-inch heel, anything higher was tacky. Accessorize with small earrings and perhaps, as Celeste did, with an Hermès scarf. Lisa didn’t own an Hermès scarf, so Celeste told her to wear her pearls. When Lisa admitted she didn’t own pearls, Celeste gave her a pearl necklace for Christmas. After that, Lisa received an Hermès scarf for every birthday and every Christmas. Lisa was grateful to Celeste for the pointers and the advice, even though Celeste seemed to give them out of a sense of duty rather than friendship or love.

  It would be smart for Lisa to take part in some non-partisan organization, Celeste continued. Lisa could make friends that way, and she could also be a representative for the bank. It was a good idea, Lisa thought, a great idea, actually. Washington was so enormous and complicated it made her feel lost, and when she took refuge in her apartment she was troubled by loneliness.

  The National Museum of Women in the Arts was looking for an intern in their library and research center. It was a nice fit for Lisa. She was young, energetic, and knowledgeable about the arts. Once she started working there, she began doing research at night into women artists of past decades and centuries, and she loved it. Soon the cocktail parties where she’d once stood tongue-tied became fascinating, especially when she told some diplomat or correspondent where she was working. As the months passed, she became not the quiet, small-town Lisa, but an accomplished researcher and a minor expert on women’s art.

  Erich was delighted with the new and improved Lisa. Over the next few years, they took their vacations in foreign cities with great art museums—Paris, Amsterdam, Florence, London. They were really working vacations for Erich, who sandwiched meetings with diplomats, bankers, and scholars of economics. Lisa didn’t mind going out alone; she preferred strolling through museums by herself, pausing when something caught her eye.

  It was when she was twenty-eight, with the dreaded year thirty looming over her, that she realized she was tired of traveling. She wanted to make a real home.

  She wanted to have a baby.

  One evening as they returned from a cocktail party and were getting ready for bed, Lisa said casually, “I’ve stopped taking the pill.”

  Erich sat in the overstuffed chair in their bedroom to take off his black patent leather shoes. “What pill?”

  “My birth control pill.”

  Erich peeled off his black silk socks. “Are you sure that’s wise?”

  Lisa went to her husband and knelt before him, her hands on his knees, looking up into his face. “I want children with you, Erich.”

  His reaction was odd. He frowned, as if she’d spoken in an alien language he had to interpret. Then he said calmly, “Of course. Children would be good.”

  * * *

  —

  “I’ll help you find a nanny,” Celeste told Lisa the day Juliet was born.

  Lisa looked at the sweet perfect face of her daughter, wrapped in a hospital blanket, wide eyes gazing at the bright new world. “I won’t need a nanny.”

  “But your work with the women’s museum!”

  “I’ve resigned. I can always return to it. I don’t want to miss a moment of Juliet’s first few years.”

  “I think you’ll find,” Celeste said dryly, “that there will be many moments during your daughter’s infancy that you’ll wish to miss, especially those in the middle of the night.”

  “Oh, Celeste, you’re so funny,” Lisa said.

  * * *

  —

  Erich was pleased to have a daughter, and he did share some of the work, walking a fretful baby in the middle of the night, carrying her in a backpack when they strolled along the Mall. Celeste and Erich’s father—Lisa had never been asked to call him by his first name, so she always thought of him as Mr. Hawley—were helpful in their own very generous and controlling way. Erich’s parents helped find a small house in Georgetown and, in celebration of Juliet’s birth, they paid the down payment. Lisa’s parents, thrilled at having a grandchild, came often to help Lisa with small, perfect, rosy-cheeked baby Juliet.

  Erich rose quickly in the ranks of the Swiss bank. It helped that he was fluent in French, German, and Spanish. Lisa admired her husband, and understood completely all the time he spent traveling, especially because when he returned home, he was so happy to see her that she quickly got pregnant again.

  When Theo was born, Lisa expected that her husband would spend more time at home, that he would be even more in love with her because she had given him a son, and yes, she knew that was an old-fashioned way to think, but she was quite sure that Erich and especially his parents thought that way. She was realizing, because of her babies, how she had coasted through her early adult years, letting life make her choices for her. Now the sweet, exhausting gifts life had given her—which she had chosen—forced her to pay attention to the choices she had to make to keep her children healthy and happy.

  And maybe she paid less attention to Erich when he was home.

  In fact, Erich spent even more time away from home, renting an apartment in Zurich. In their small charming townhouse, Lisa missed him as she changed diapers and mashed bananas and read stories, trying to keep her little ones entertained during the dreary winter and relentless summer heat.

  And then: “Why not come home for the summer?” her mother asked.

  The new, clear-sighted Lisa thought it through. In the summer, it would be as easy for Erich to fly to Nantucket as to Washington. Her mother would help with the babies, and best of all, they would be on the island, near the ocean, surrounded by her friends.

  She packed up plenty of baby clothes and child paraphernalia and went.

  * * *

  —

  She’d not forgotten the magic of Nantucket; she’d only banished it away to a corner of her heart. At Children’s Beach, Theo shrieked with laughter as Lisa held him in the shallow waves. Juliet constructed sand castles and played on the jungle gym. They both were blissed out by the sight of the huge ferries coming and going, and they waved and jumped up and down, thrilled by the ship’s horn. On rainy days, Lisa took them to the Whaling Museum and the library. And when her children were irritable from teething or a bad night from wetting the bed, her mother took them to the beach and Lisa took a nap. When Juliet and Theo were in bed for the night, her parents babysat while Lisa went to a movie or out to dinner with her friends.

  Lisa talked with Erich at least twice a week, but of course he was busy with important business matters, so their calls were brief.

  It was no surprise that they grew apart.

  And, Lisa thought sadly, it was no surprise when the Hawleys more or less disappeared from her life, and her children’s lives. The Hawleys and Erich were seldom even in the country, let alone on the minuscule island of Nantucket. To Lisa, Nantucket was the whole world, a perfect one for her children to grow up in, with its small town, friendly neighbors, golden beaches, and silver waves. She was glad she’d been able to travel to Amsterdam and Paris and Madrid, to taste foreign food and gaze upon foreign masterpieces, but with her two children in her life, she was more than content with
delivery pizza and children’s picture books.

  In her heart, she realized she loved her children more than she loved her husband. Rachel and her other Nantucket friends told her this wasn’t unusual, not in the early years. It took patience and perseverance for a couple to stay together at any stage. Lisa would love Erich again, Rachel promised.

  * * *

  —

  The August Theo turned two, Erich flew into Nantucket for the grand birthday party Lisa had planned. Lisa invited several friends with children, and it was wonderful to have her husband with her for this occasion. She and her parents had set up a wading pool and all sorts of balls for the little ones and games for the four-year-olds. Erich helped carry the drinks and the ice out to the picnic table, and when the moment came, he brought out the enormous cake Lisa had made and sang “Happy Birthday” to his son along with all the friends. It was a rapturous moment for Lisa because it was simple normal life, a family celebration with her husband there.

  That night, after the children were finally asleep, she and Erich made love, very quietly, because they were in her parents’ home. Afterward, Lisa cried.

  Erich cradled her against him. “Are you sad?”

  “I am. I miss you so much. The children miss you so much.”

  “Are you lonely for our friends in Washington? For our home there? Is it hard living here with your parents? You know, we could fly home tomorrow. Well, not exactly tomorrow, but earlier than we’d planned.”

  Lisa lay silent, thinking.

  “Although I couldn’t help you pack and all that. I’ve got to be in Zurich on Wednesday.”

  With her head nestled against his chest, hiding her face, Lisa asked, “Erich, why did you marry me?”

  She felt his chuckle deep in his chest. “What a silly question. Because I love you.”

  “But we’re hardly ever together,” she reminded him.

  Erich pulled away from her, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. “This again. Lisa, you knew it would be like this. I never deluded you.”

  She’d angered him with her clinginess. “I’m sorry,” she said, pressing against his side. “I just miss you so much.”

  “I need to sleep.” Erich closed his eyes, and quickly dropped off.

  Lisa lay awake for a long time, scolding herself privately for being so needy.

  * * *

  —

  The next day was better. Erich talked with Lisa’s parents, played with his children, then swept Lisa off to dinner while the grandparents babysat.

  He took her to Le Languedoc, where they hadn’t been since Erich so romantically proposed to Lisa. They ordered lobster and a dry white wine, and Lisa listened to Erich discuss the financial state of South Africa. Well, she tried to listen to him. She couldn’t interrupt his monologue about world affairs with her own bits and pieces of local news—the Hy-Line was adding fast ferries, the new library was opening this fall, Rachel was pregnant again. But when the waiter came to remove their plates, she gathered her courage to present him with the idea she’d been thinking of for days.

  “Erich,” Lisa said, “do you think we have enough money to buy a house here, on the island?”

  Erich paused and frowned, gathering his thoughts. As Lisa looked at him, she saw how he had aged—and he was only thirty-three. He’d gained weight and he had bags under his eyes and his skin was the pasty white of someone who never got out in the sun.

  Well, she thought, she must look much older to him. She hadn’t lost the baby fat from Theo—ha! she hadn’t lost the baby fat from Juliet. She couldn’t remember when she’d last had a decent haircut and styling. She knew she had some serious renovations to do on herself before she returned to Washington.

  “You want to buy a house here, on the island?” Erich asked. “Heated, with insulation?”

  “Well, I hadn’t thought about that, but if we could afford it, yes. Then we could come here for Christmas!” She liked the gleam in Erich’s eye, as if he could envision more time on Nantucket for them all.

  Erich leaned back in his chair and smiled. “What if we simply bought a house here to be our permanent residence. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  Lisa blinked. She would like that, so why did this suggestion make her so nervous? “I think so.” She talked it out. “The children could have a real yard to play in, and their grandparents—I know your parents love the children, but they travel as much if not more than you do. So Mom and Dad could help out, be there in an emergency. I’d have my friends around, nearby. Yes, for me and the children, it would be wonderful. But what about you? It’s almost as easy to fly here as it is to Washington, right?”

  “In the summer, yes. In the winter, not so easy. But I can see how much you’d like this.”

  “I would, yes. I’m lonely when you’re traveling, and everything is just more difficult.” Lisa leaned forward and took his hand. “But what about you? Do you like the idea?”

  “It was my idea in the first place,” Erich reminded her. “I want you to be happy, Lisa.”

  * * *

  —

  Lisa knew she should be happy. The house they bought was in town, a historic old Greek Revival not unlike her parents’, with a large yard. The children were certainly happy, with plenty of friends and a wonderful school and doting grandparents who had them for overnights so Lisa could go out with her friends. Lisa worked part-time at the hospital thrift shop, keeping her vow to buy nothing, and occasionally weeding out the treasures she’d left in her room at home and donating them to the shop. At the end of the summer, wealthy women dropped off the clothes they hadn’t had a chance to wear, and Lisa bought a few dresses and suits for herself. They would be perfect for going out with Erich.

  Erich. Well, Erich certainly seemed happy. He came home at least twice a month, staying for no more than three or four days, and when he was there, he was kind but absentminded, both to the children and to Lisa. He’d had a vasectomy—he told Lisa after the fact, adding that there were enough children in this troubled world. He was there for the holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July, and he tried to make it home for the children’s birthdays, and for Lisa’s. After a night or two on Nantucket, his body’s internal clock adjusted to EST, and he made love to Lisa, or something like love.

  What she missed most, both when he was home as well as when he was gone, were the simple physical touches that made her heart melt, that made her feel like they belonged together. Of course she got plenty of hugs and kisses from Juliet and Theo, but none from Erich. He did not hold her hand when they went out. He didn’t put a protective arm around her shoulders when they ran through a sudden shower. He didn’t draw her close to him when they watched TV. He didn’t sleep spooned against her, but lay on his side facing the wall. He did nothing physical that gave her the safe, warm sense of snuggling with a partner in a nest. When she tried touching him, he only smiled at her. And moved slightly away.

  Why hadn’t she noticed this before? Was she too blinded by his handsomeness, his kind but innate superiority, his sophistication?

  She talked it over endlessly with Rachel.

  “He hasn’t changed,” Rachel said. “Your expectations have changed. You thought you’d have a marriage like your parents have. Instead—oh, don’t people say time and again that men won’t change and women won’t stop trying to change them? You have two children. The magic is gone. Be glad for what you have.”

  It wasn’t until the children were nine and eleven that she had her brilliant idea. “Erich,” she said one night on the phone when he was in London and she was in bed, “I had the best idea! Let’s take the children somewhere in Europe this summer! Somewhere you have to be, Zurich or Paris, it doesn’t matter, but Zurich would be nice because you could show them where you work and they could know where you are when you’re gone. You could work during the day, and I c
ould see the sights with the kids.”

  After a long pause, Erich agreed. “That’s a great idea. Let me look at my calendar. I’ll get back to you.”

  “I’ll get back to you?” Lisa laughed. “You sound like we’re making a business deal.”

  “Well, what do you want me to say?” Erich snapped, exasperated.

  He’d never taken that tone with her before, and it was the tone as much as the words that woke Lisa out of her trance, that made her realize the truth. “Erich, do you love me?”

  “Of course I do,” he told her, sighing. Before Lisa could respond, he added, “Look, we’re older now. We shouldn’t have made such big decisions when we were still in college. Even the most mature of us can make mistakes.”

  “Am I a mistake?” Lisa asked.

  “Am I?” Erich countered. “Think about it seriously, Lisa. We had lots of chemistry when we met, and probably just about as much curiosity, because our lives are so different. At first I thought it was going to work out because we seemed compatible, and we had some good times traveling around Europe. But since the children came…”

  “Go on. Finish the sentence.”

  “Fine. I will. Lisa, I thought you’d be able to live my life. You’re beautiful, or at least you were. You’re smart, but you’re not ambitious. You’re happily stuck in that hospital shop playing with other people’s junk and holding bake sales for the school when you could have been helping me entertain truly important people. If you had, for example, tried to learn Arabic, or even German, we might have made a great team…but that is not what you did. I don’t know if you’re afraid, or if you have an inferiority complex, or if you simply like being a hausfrau. It’s not your fault, but you and I are on completely different paths.”